Candy has been sorted,
remains of a Jedi robe returned to fabric
glitter covers the pillows,
My history echos pleasantly in the background and I stumble through over due work.
The sun through the window,
I could map the leafless world with the notes of his voice,
the autumn here lacks the smells of decay
the days of gray with no sense of time.
One autumn we found the Italian bakery,
we were too cool for the coffeehouse,
instead we laughed at the shapes of our pastries.
Then we walked to the old Opera House for a movie.
Those years where we spanned childhood to our futures
sanity came from place and from knowing always the world was bigger,
than our teenage worlds.
It was the invisible line of three miles,
past ancient mills and tanning caves,
that was where we found our center.
So many icy mornings I walked that road
to the warm stones of the fire
and younger cousins.
Always finding respite in the dated books
the encyclopedias from 1912 on their pine shelf
held all the knowledge we need on weekends.
Even now when we speak of home it is blue glass
the red board and batten walls,
and secret corners where the sun drew us in.
Home was the first cold morning drinking coco
while the sun rose and the hot air balloons filled.
Home was learning to swim in the shadow of an abandoned windmill.
Home was sneaking into the carriage house to see the hansom cabs.
Home is everyone in the sunroom with a bottle of scotch and theory
or music or books.
Home is a barrel of old cross country skis that we’ve all out grown
and a crop of boys who are learning what home means.
Ink Spots’ photostream on Flickr.
My life right now is a series of tumbling events, things that need to get done, and rhythms that I hold to. There are a lot of things I’m letting slide, things that I hope I can pick up again once this semester is over. That is what it is. I accept it and move on. Right now is so full of immediate needs that there isn’t time for day dreaming, planning yes, but not the sort of thoughts that go where they will. Because I can see the end to this I am okay with it.
Lately I’ve found my sustenance through my friends, drawing on envelopes, and reading. But I crave hot water, just a few hours at the Steam Baths or a Hot Springs, I think it’s time for me to sit down with my calendar and figure out where I can carve a few hours for myself. I am learning how to bring sustenance to my existence without large swathes of time to do so, to accept that reviving myself can’t be contingent to having lots of time to do it in.
Even this post was begun 10 days ago and is only finished right now.
Fingers stumble through the ground
numb in this race
the anodized silver white tub
sings as it fills
the sun is already rubbed out by the clouds
we still can count the inches until it dips
behind the mountains
The night will come,
and we will wake to a blanket
As the long tendrils of dawn
reach across the prairie
kisses of light and warmth
the cover vanishes
leaving only the leaves
ice burned the color of decay.
We’ve had a rocky start to the school year, with lots of ups and downs. Now that we are approaching the beginning of Autumn things seem to be settling down. Still there have been some important and beautiful things that I have learned.
Taking the time to be by myself up in the mountains is the most restorative thing I can do for myself, in a way that no walk around the city can. It is the silence that my mind craves, these days of rushing from home to campus to home to pick up Alder to studying, leave little space in my mind to process the bigger picture and to nurture myself.
That when I get lost in all the small details of what I’m working on it is important to step back and look at where I am really going. But at the same time it is easy to get lost in “the future” where there are no imperfections. It is a careful balance between all of this.
I need to trust my convictions about how to live my life. That people who try to sell me on the traditional model may be good hearted but they generally have a very narrow view of how the future should go. They will try hard to change my mind about the way I am trying to shift my life because they feel like they wither know better or think that we want the same things.
When I reach a barrier inside myself take a step back and look to see where it comes from. Look deeply and then move forward (as I learned last night this is not a middle of the night thing to do). There is no benefit in pushing up against a barrier hoping to just knock it down. Instead it has to be understood and removed.
Shannon had this on her blog (with a whole trail of wonderful woman before her) it seemed like a simple way to share in the midst of the busyness that is life right now.
making : a new dress out of an old one.
cooking : dumplings, seaweed salads, and olive oil cakes
drinking : mint tea
reading : Coming Home to Eat
wanting : a new bed
looking : at the aspen leaves in the breeze near the base of Mt Shavino
playing : Sunday morning games with A
wasting : sleep over pointless stress
sowing : motivation for others
wishing : for peace in A’s heart as he goes to school
enjoying : design classes
waiting : for the end of my classes so I can truly begin
liking : the feel of jeans and socks as the weather cools
wondering : how to move from planning to implementing
loving : time alone in the mountains
hoping : that my loves will find as much peacen the coming months
marvelling : at how my life is returning to first loves
needing : to finish reorganizing the studio
smelling : rain on pavement
wearing : long sleeves and scarves
following : Camp Creek blog; to remind me of my goals
noticing : the way A has changed so much over the summer
knowing : that if I work hard enough things will come together
thinking : of ways to soften the blow of school for A
bookmarking : residential design ideas
opening : windows after a hot few weeks and letting the breeze blow in
giggling : at cat antics
feeling : tired and inspired
We saw a lot of family during the trip, went to a lot of museums, took a lot of subways, and ate a lot of good food.
Visiting Children’s Museum of the Arts with Big Dad
We met up with our “real Sarah” for a morning at The New York Hall of Science, I hadn’t been there since high school, wow the changes they’ve made. Most museums who focus on kids tend to look towards the younger ones but at the Hall of Science Alder was at the young end of understanding all the amazing things you could do. He was the perfect age to try the various experiments and make his own inferences, on some of them he asked for an explanation but for the most part he was happy to just see what would happen. (While there are endless things I could say about the museum I’ll leave that to people who have gone more often).